Oceanic

Sometimes I so wish I was a boy. So I could break free of this stupid University, go out anywhere, be a Taxi driver like Joe in "Across the Universe" or just wandering around like Holden Caulfield. But I'm not, and I cant just be free, I have to be doing all those incredibly boring, hateful things without any actual point. I so desperately do not want to drop out and at the same time just hate so much.
It all ends up in: I don't know who I am after all. I can work, like have a job in the office and do it every day, but I hate to study. I can never stop wondering when was that breaking point when I stopped being a good kid with good grades and learning skills and ended up where I am now. It's like I died somewhere in the middle of my life and a new person was born.
Maybe it's just all about a bad mark, the feeling of being hopeless and doomed. It's not going away, not with tears, not with anything. I really want it to go away.