![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
(no subject)
What I'm noticing about myself lately is that more and more often I stand out. I don't like the same things everyone like and nobody seeme to get why I like this or that. It's like everyone are on one wave and I'm on my very own.
I am not sure if that makes me feel better or worse because on one point - I dont want to be absolutely authentic, I like to have my own way, but on the other - it is my friends, who I feel less and less connected to. Because from what I learned for sure - never muse on the outcasts. Today you are with the majority, tomorrow you'll find yourself an outcast. Of coz, I am not a saint and sometimes I give my mind way and am really mean, but I always feel slightly disturbed when I am talking and very guilty afterwards.
What I hate about it all is the feeling of being dismissed. There's this kind of people: when you are in their good graces it makes you feel safe and warm, but you fall out of grace very soon and feel dismissed and it leaves you confused. I've been like that myself when I was younger. Now as I get older I learned to keep most people at arm's length, do not let anyone get under my skin. I may seem an open book, but I always feel a little relieved when I say goodbye to most people at the end of the day and go back to my place, where no one is allowed.
All I really want is to fall out of this constant pursuit or even more like a contest of attention and affection. I want to have somebody who will stay forever and will be smart enough to have his own point of view on things, but will gladly accept mine. Who will welcome a little argument, and will not try to avoid me or agree with me just to make me shut up.
I am not sure if that makes me feel better or worse because on one point - I dont want to be absolutely authentic, I like to have my own way, but on the other - it is my friends, who I feel less and less connected to. Because from what I learned for sure - never muse on the outcasts. Today you are with the majority, tomorrow you'll find yourself an outcast. Of coz, I am not a saint and sometimes I give my mind way and am really mean, but I always feel slightly disturbed when I am talking and very guilty afterwards.
What I hate about it all is the feeling of being dismissed. There's this kind of people: when you are in their good graces it makes you feel safe and warm, but you fall out of grace very soon and feel dismissed and it leaves you confused. I've been like that myself when I was younger. Now as I get older I learned to keep most people at arm's length, do not let anyone get under my skin. I may seem an open book, but I always feel a little relieved when I say goodbye to most people at the end of the day and go back to my place, where no one is allowed.
All I really want is to fall out of this constant pursuit or even more like a contest of attention and affection. I want to have somebody who will stay forever and will be smart enough to have his own point of view on things, but will gladly accept mine. Who will welcome a little argument, and will not try to avoid me or agree with me just to make me shut up.